I’m going to do the fun fashion critique thing one more time, then I’ll go back to my usual sad/mad/reflective posts. Promise.
So unless you live under a rock or you are one of those people who doesn’t watch—seriously, what’s your excuse?—last night was the 83rd annual Academy Awards, known as the Oscars in the biz. I must say the gowns were overall a vast improvement from the mishaps and fashion don’ts at the Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild and even the Grammy’s. Once again I will be using TV Guide’s arrival photos for reference. They always have the most comprehensive galleries.
1. Wowza! This actually looks strikingly similar to my very own sweet 16 dress, not to toot my own horn or anything. Her hair and makeup is very Stephanie Pratt, which in this case is not a bad thing, and she looks very California babe, I-just-threw-this-on-after-surfing-but-I-look-better-than-you. Good for you honey.
2. Her dress looks a trillion times better in this photo than it did on camera last night. It’s very “eh” for me, the girl is just not impressing me with her mommy-to-be fashion choices. I am pleased that she won, though.
3. Yeessssss. Yes yes yes yes YES, that is SO Gwyneth. Seriously, it’s like Calvin Klein designed this thinking she would be the only person in the entire universe to ever wear it. Best dressed nominee!
4. What a downgrade from her Screen Actors Guild dress. It’s not terrible, but I think if those lines were only below the waist it would have worked better.
5. I have so many mixed emotions about this. Seriously, it’s like tearing me up inside. Let’s start with she looked fantabulous and she totally knew it. Some people have accused her hair of looking too fake. I disagree. Many people have said the dress reminds them of Julia Roberts’s 2001 Oscar dress (was it really that long ago!?), and I wholeheartedly agree. Is 10 years enough time to blatantly copy another leading lady on the red carpet and get away with it? I don’t know Reese, I just don’t know.
6. Navy blue and black, need I say more?
7. He has a creepy face but a nice tie.
8. Ugh, I cannot. It looks like he wore the same tux to every single award show and didn’t bother to wash it, iron it, shave, or shower in between. And what’s with his nose? Also, wifey needs more color in her wardrobe.
9. I hate to say it, but I expected a little more from Sandra. She never doesn’t look gorgeous, in my humble opinion, but she should have gone a few steps further for this year’s Oscars to show everyone she has moved on from that d!ck of an ex-husband. This was her chance to flaunt her fabulousness all over the place but instead she chose to remain looking royally pissed off. I also don’t like that her lipstick is the exact color of her dress. Oh I just hate myself for not liking what she wears, let’s hug it out Sandy?
10. YUM. I want him.
11. Yikes! I didn’t notice the bottom of this dress while they were being interviewed by Senor Seacrest, but that is totes inappropes for someone not even close to being nominated for anything ever in life. Someone like Catherine Zeta Jones should have worn this (why wasn’t she there?). Matthew looks too tan.
12. Ew all around.
13. Big no-no, Hil. Remember when you used to be stylish?
14. Everyone’s going to hate me for this but frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn. The good news is Javier looks significantly better all cleaned up and Penelope’s face is positively glowing with new-mommyness. I really love her hair and makeup. The bad news is this is not the dress to wear weeks after giving birth, I don’t care who you are. It’s too damn tight, and it highlights the exact portion of her body she should be trying to downplay! And that sequin flame design thing is—dare I say?—tacky.
15. Fabulous. Simply fabulous, as per usual. I’m ob-sessed with that color.
16. Well well well, welcome back to the red carpet winners’ circle Ms. Berry! You’ve been gone for quite some time and this is the perfect dress to make a comeback with. Quite the work of art. Best dressed nominee.
17. Her shoes don’t match her dress, but she’s Justin Timberlake’s mother so I suppose it doesn’t matter. Mmm he’s so delectable.
18. She’s lost her fashion sense along with her mind. I blame Keith.
19. Oh, the back of that dress is dreadful! That’s all I’ll say though because dag nabbit I adore Colin Firth more than most other humans.
21. So your father is STEVEN SPIELBERG and you have that sour puss on your face, and your dress is ALMOST THE SAME EXACT COLOR AS YOUR SKIN!? Fab shoes though, they look just like the ones I just bought at Aldo. 😉
22. Hitler mustache. ‘Nough said.
23. Worst dressed nominee. Hate her hair, hate the dress, trying very hard to still love the woman in general.
24. What’d I say about that whole smiling thing, Jesse?
25. Remember when he was in 13 Going On 30? Yeah, he’ll never escape that. Who’s the broad?
26. Celine for the win! Best dressed nominee for sure, and this lady gave birth a few months ago. To twins. Penelope, take notes. Now, how can I get my hair to do that?
27. At first I loved this. Then I realized it was on Scarlett Johansson and she is way too in love with herself so I started to hate it. It looks a teeny bit too casual for the Oscars, and I am not a fan of her new hairstyle.
28. Perfection. I cannot say enough positive things about this dress, this color, or this woman.
29. She must have been at a spa for the last month because she looks rested and happy positively glowing. I would hate this dress on anyone else but it is so classic Cate, so divine on her eensy-weensy frame.
30. She looks so tiny! And kinda scary? Is that why no one interviewed her on the red carpet? Wait, why was she even there?
31. You know what Amy, I was really counting on you to redeem yourself for that ill-fitting white dress. You almost had it here—face and hair are of course stunning and that color is truly excellent, but you did not need the necklace and the cut of the dress on top should have been anything but T-shirt style. Close but no cigar, Adams. Dammit.
32. WOW. Just wow. I have never seen Jen Lindley look this incredible. She definitely wins most improved.
33. She looks great as always, but I wish she’d stop thinking she needs to get skinnier. I like some of her on-stage outfits a little better than this one, especially those to-DIE-for shoes that went with her tuxedo outfit while she was signing the On My Own parody. Oh yeah, who knew she could sing like that?
36. Who is this? Me no likey—too beauty pagaent.
37. Well, what else would you expect from her?
39. I adore the cut, shape and material of this dress, I really do, but the color is so grandma-esque (no offense Grandma Edith and Grandma Eleanor). She works it, though, I’ll give her that.
40. This mini-fashionista gets cuter and cuter every week. Look out Julia, Catherine, Reese and Halle!
41. Who invited her?
42. You are not in Seaside my friend, lose the shades. Show some respect for the carpet!
43. No one is listening to me about the dress-color-too-close-to-skin-color thing. No one. But, I mean, I guess she looks cute.
44. All the men are wearing the same damn bowtie! Is that his special lady friend? I love her dress.
45. Again, who is this? And again, too beauty pageant.
46. The material doesn’t look fancy enough for the Oscars, but otherwise she looks classy and age-appropriate and damn Daph who is your trainer?
47. Waste of space.
48. Hey negative Nancy, don’t forget to return the curtain on your way out.
49. Ooooh me likey.
50. Dear me, no.
51. Meh. I’ll take it.
52. I love her hair, but I would have liked the dress a whole lot better if the top were strapless or even halter. I won’t even comment on her acceptance speech.
53. Ummm… Okay.
54. Wow! Who’s this? Wow! This is actually my new favorite gown color.
55. Very nice, but a tad too destination wedding.
56. Tell me that’s not a poof and a velvet, one-shoulder long sleeve dress, Maria. Please.
57. Seriously, all these men are clones of one another. Next!
58. I love the little pop of red on her feetsies, other than that I’m over it.
59. Oh! That is just precious, they all kind of match in such a subtle way! How very clever, the Bridges family wins for best group collaboration.
60. Feathers. On. The red carpet. At the OSCARS, no less. How could Hugh let this happen? (Did he come out yet?)
61. Lookin’ good Jer.
62. I actually love the dress on “guest”—lazy twerps couldn’t find out her name?
64. He’s only allowed to do that because he’s Francis Coppola.
66. Where the h-e-double-hockey-sticks has he been and why is he at the Oscars in something that looks like corduroy?
67. Ehmmm no.
68. What a girly pose and anti-climatic end to this photo gallery.
All right folks, so the men were entirely disappointing (as they are most of the time), but the women were dazzling. Best dressed goes to:
(Is the suspense killing you?)
Jennifer Hudson and Gwyneth Paltrow, with Celine Dion coming in as a very close second! Well done everyone, that’s a wrap!