Do you know what I love about the Golden Globes, besides the fact that it kicks off award show (fashion) season? It looks like one giant celebrity dinner party. Every time the camera went to the tables right before commercial break we saw them all schmoozing and kissing cheeks and saying hello and I just wish we could hear what they’re saying dag nabbit! WHAT ARE THEY REALLY LIKE?!
Anywho, let’s cut to the chase shall we? Please note that I didn’t comment on every single photo I saw because a) I don’t know who everyone is and that upsets me, and b) some of the dresses were just too bad/boring for me to waste my typing energy on.
Amber Riley: Fabulous! It looks like she lost a little bit more weight, and although this gown is a bit predictable for her it’s predictable in that we know she will continue to make better and better red carpet choices, as opposed to some of her fashion-challenged co-stars.
Amy Poehler: Okay so this is better than the dreadfully unflattering things she usually chooses, but I hate the sleeves and as you all I know I HATE THAT THE COLOR IS SO CLOSE TO HER SKIN AND HAIR COLORS. Why does she insist on keeping that ghastly hair color anyway! Grrr Amy, grrr.
Andie MacDowell: I’m pretty sure the only reason she was even at this shindig was because her daughter was the “Golden Globes girl” (she who hands out the statues and shuffles people on and off stage), so she really didn’t have to look that great, but this dress kind of sucks. It’s oo matchy-matchy with the silver dress, silver bag, silver jewelry, and the overall thing is just too young for her.
Angelina Jolie: You have no idea how much it pains me to compliment this husband-stealing wench (Team Jen forever), and at first I really did not like this dress, but then I took a second look. The slit is perfectly placed, the back is flawless, she’s not wearing black for once, this picture doesn’t even do it justice. I also love the hair—I’ve been a big fan of that style for myself lately—but my only change would be to make that little red flap just a tad lower. Ugh, I hate her. AND FOR THE LOVE OF PETE BRAD WOULD YOU STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU’RE UGLY AND JUST CUT THAT HAIR!
Charlize Theron: If anyone can pull off a dress like this, anyone on the planet, it’s Charlize Theron, and even she’s not doing a great job of it right now. I am feeling kind toward her because I thought she was incredible in Young Adult, otherwise I’d rip her a new one for that headband (Never. Appropriate. For. Award shows.) and lackluster makeup.
Claire Danes: I actually love the back of this dress but I hate the front. Too boxy and weird on her already boxy and weird frame. And I don’t like her hair. Or her lipstick. But I can’t help but be ecstatic that little Angela Chase has started racking up all these big-girl awards; who needs Jordan Catalano now, eh?
Debra Messing: I feel like…She’s worn this before? Boring.
Diana Agron: Did she and Lea Michele coordinate their bizarro sculpted looks? This doesn’t work at all. Poor Diana, she started off with a couture bang at these events and now she’s just kind of fizzling out.
Diane Lane: I’m not sure what I don’t like about this, and it’s upsetting me. I like the dress, I like her, I like that hair style, but somehow it doesn’t all work together. Right? Did she have some crazy work done on her face lately?
Elle MacPherson: Awful. Just awful. Who does she think she is showing up in a dress like that with a just-came-off-the-beach hairdo? So what if she is (was) a supermodel, she looks like a giant white bird here. Worst dressed nominee.
Emma Stone: As much as I want to love everything this girl does, says and wears, I just can’t get on board with this one. Maybe it would be okay if it were all one color, that color not being black? What’s with that eagle belt buckle thing? 😦 This breaks my heart, a bit.
Evan Rachel Wood: A white-blond peacock. Not good.
Freida Pinto: Anyone who tells me Freida Pinto is not actually Rosario Dawson and Rosario Dawson is not actually Freida Pinto is definitely lying. Aside from the fact that I absolutely need this necklace (which she said was so expensive it required security guards to walk her around all night), nothing about this look excites me one bit. Someone tweeted that she can make a potato sack look good, and judging by this photo that statement is not at all true. Worst dressed nominee.
Glenn Close: I know Glenn Close is, like, a “serious” actress and all, but I can’t really take her seriously because every time I look at her I think of Cruella De Vil. I digress; she looks stunning and age appropriate, as always.
Helen Mirren: The first lady of the red carpet. She is utterly incapable of looking anything less than classy and beautiful.
Jane Lynch: This is not so awesome. She always wears the same A-line gown in a different color, and this one is slightly less poofy than her norm. But, I don’t know if she’s capable of doing much better.
Jessica Alba: Um hello perfection! She looks phenomenal, AND she just had her 2nd (or was it her 3rd?) beh-beh. This is an ideal color on her (it looked much better during the show than in the photos). At some point in the show the camera zoomed in on her at her table and she had a really light shawl draped over her and she just oozed elegance. Best dressed nominee!
Jessica Biel: Oh Jess, what is this? This is your great grandma’s wedding dressed with a slit up the side you cut just before the show? Wrong wrong wrong. (Although I would like my hair to look like that in everyday life, so please let me know how you do that when you get a chance.)
Kate Beckinsdale: Seriously, how does this woman do it? I mean really, perfect hair perfect teeth perfect face perfect body. The dress is nice, nothing spectacular and I’m never a fan of the super- structured strapless dress top with the points, but what DOESN’T look incredible on this one? (I’d like to point out that when she was on stage it was one of the only times my boyfriend actually looked at the TV.)
Kate Winslet: My mom pointed out that Kate looks “chubby” in this dress, and while I have to disagree I must say it is a little too Forever 21 for the Golden Globes. Forever 21 as in those dresses that look like a top and a pencil skirt stitched together. Hair and make up look great though, and OMG CAN’T WAIT FOR THE RE-RELEASE OF TITANIC IN APRIL!
Katharine McPhee: Too casual! Way way way too casual! And too skinny? But…I love her hair.
Kelly Osborne: The only reason I’m including Ms. Wacko on my list is to point out that THIS is who judges the best and worst dressed onE!’s Fashion Police. Yes, this. Don’t you think I’m much better qualified? I mean, come on, she has gray hair! On purpose!!
Kyle Richards: Um, no. Why is she there? No, nothing about this is okay. Too tan, too tight (the dress and the choker), too gross. I sound angry because she has done nothing but piss me off on this season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Lea Michele: All right, let’s just take a step back for a second. At first glance, this is awful. At second glance, it’s sort of okay and daring and you know what why the hell not? At third glance…Well, don’t give it a third glance. I think she is just testing her limits and this dress will teach her a lesson on exactly where her limits are. And she has such a gorgeous face, what I wouldn’t give for those cheekbones!
Madonna: I didn’t watch the pre-show due to football (I know, what?) so when Madonna went up to accept her award I only saw the top half, and I thought, ‘Now that’s way too tame for Madonna’. Then I saw that stupid black fingerless glove and then the lower half of the dress and I thought, ‘Now that’s more like it’. But that doesn’t mean I find it at all attractive. Worst dressed nominee—it’s a half-assed attempt at her signature weirdness, and all that insane working out is starting to backfire on her.
Meryl Streep: I don’t like it, but I don’t feel strongly enough about it to actually hate it. And I’m excited that she won because I really want to see The Iron Lady. (PS Did anyone else see those recent pictures of her daughters? They look unbelievably identical not only to each other but also to Meryl, as if their father’s genes had absolutely nothing to do with anything. So strange.)
Michelle Williams: I wanted to not like this, I really did, because once again there is a headband involved (did she and Charlize get ready together?) AND I believe that is some kind of sparkly blueish-purpleish leopard print situation, but somehow it just works on her. The silhouette of the gown is like, oh my god, flawless on her. But did her speech not sound almost IDENTICAL to what Jen Lindley said in the Dawson’s Creek series finale?! Anyone? No? Okay fine.
Mila Kunis: Sooo are we going to a funeral right now, or are we going to the Golden Globes? I am so over this girl. She has a beautiful and exotic face and she did make some excellent red carpet choices last year but that’s about all she has going for her. This dress is boring, and after watching Friends With Benefits I really don’t get why everyone thinks she’s so hot. Her body looks pretty average to me. (Wow I sound like such a hater!)
Natalie Portman: You know, this isn’t amazing, but it is a totes appropes I’m-not-nominated-but-I’m-presenting-and-you-know-I’m-perfect-anyway dress. Do you guys think Angelina and her have beef now that they both wore red-flap-at-the-top dresses to the same event?
Naya Rivera: She looks half insane asylum patient, half nun.
Nicole Kidman: Va va voom Nicole! I feel like she’s done some really weird things on the red carpet lately and this is like a little flashback to when she had good fashion sense, so I’m a big fan.
Nicole Ritchie: Much like it pains me to compliment Angelina Jolie, it also pains me to compliment little miss I’m-so-Boho-chic-and-I-look-like-I’ve-been-starving-myself-since-I-could-walk, but this is actually pretty fantastic. But, um, why was she there?
Octavia Spencer: Dresses like this on bodies like this can either be very flattering or VERY unflattering, and I think in this case we have the former. Good choice for a rookie.
Piper Perabo: Can’t fight the moonlight nooo you can’t fight it… Oh sorry I thought I was watching Coyote Ugly for a second. This is dumb. I mean really just a dumb, dumb choice, and nothing was funnier/more awkward than when she and Sarah Michelle Gellar presented together, both in unnecessarily poofy dresses, and gave the award for best (supporting?) actor in a TV series to Peter Dinklage, a midget.
Reese Witherspoon: I feel like Reese never wears colors like this and now I’m wondering why not because HOT DAMN she looks swell! She is a style genius. Best dressed nominee fo sho.
Rooney Mara: This little lady has been causing quite a stir on her Girl with the Dragon Tattoo premiere tour, and I can’t decide where I stand. On the one hand I think she’s got that effortlessly gorgeous thing going on and she looks fantastic in very simple things with minimal accessories, like here; on the other hand I want to throw sparkles at her and sneak some bright colors into her closet.
Salma Hayek: I ordinarily don’t like anything about this woman, but her dress kind of works really well here. Except for her head looking ENORMOUS in comparison to the rest of her body, does anyone else see that?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh. Em. Gee. OH EM GEE ESS EM GEE. I know her pony is a little high and the dress is a little froofy but come ON it’s her first time back to an award show like this in so long and she just looks so freakin’ excited about it, and so am I dammit. Best dressed nominee, yup I said it.
Sofia Vergara: OKAY, I know I’ve said some not-so-nice things about Sofia in the past. I have come around a little bit and decided she is every bit as gorgeous as everyone says, but this look pisses me off for 3 reasons: 1) She wore something very similar to the 2011 SAG awards; 2) Whoever has been telling her to lose weight should be shot in the foot, then the knee, then the elbow, because she never needed to and she needs to stop; 3) Her hair is disgustingly flat.
Stacy Keibler: I know Georgy-poo would never have anything less than perfect on his arm, but she is really my favorite of his girlfriends. This dress is so amazing it almost looks painted on. I sort of kind of really want it.
Tina Fey: And the funny lady who’s constantly on the worst dressed list knocks one out of the park! Woo Tina!
Viola Davis: LOVE. Reminds me of Connie Britton’s dress at the Emmys (which reminds me, I NEED to get my hands on Friday Night Lights season 2) in the best possible way—great color great shape great hair great makeup, great great great. Actually, it’s almost the exact same color as Tina Fey’s gown…Doesn’t matter, great!
Zooey & Emily Deschanel: Zooey can do little to no wrong in my book—except for those weird curly sideburns she has going on, those are wrong—so I think her dress works, especially because the sparkly green top matches her sparkly green eyes. And her sister looks fab too, they are so cute! (I am almost as biased toward these 2, especially Emily, as I am toward SMG, as Bones is sort of my new Buffy.)
And now for my very important decisions on best and worst dressed…
WORST: Madonna. It’s just sad at this point.
BEST: Jessica Alba! Nothing beats pure elegance and a kick-ass bod, and I just can’t bring myself to give this coveted award to Angelina Jolie.
Up next: The SAG Awards on January 29th, the Grammys on February 12th, and the mother of all award shows THE OSCARS on February 26th! Blog posts to follow soon after each 🙂 Happy Award Show Season to all!