The 2012 Screen Actors Guild awards were far more fun to watch than any other award show in the last few years. Perhaps that’s because I was snuggled up with my main squeeze, who earned lots of boyfriend points by sitting through the 2-hour pre-show AND the actual show itself, or perhaps it’s because I have actually seen the winning-est film of the night (The Help). Regardless it was a fun little show, but let’s get down to the important stuff.
(Please note that I have incorporated the comments of said main squeeze as well as friends at my undisclosed place of employment’s “Lunch Brain Trust”.)
Aimee Garcia: Well this is just lovely, who is she?
Aleksa Palladino: Ugh, rest in peace Mrs. Darmody. Don’t like the dress.
Amber Riley: Remember when I said she was starting to get predictable in that she would always make good red carpet choices? I stand corrected. Bigger ladies should not wear T-strap shoes, they don’t even look that good on smaller ladies. Hate to do this, but worst dressed nominee.
Angelina Jolie: Aaaand we’re back to looking like an evil vampire bitch of death. Hair is too light, she is too skinny, and the material is too borderline-pleather. And she was acting like such a heinous wench when she was being interviewed on the pre-show. #TeamJen #TeamJen #TeamJen #TeamJen
Ashlee Simpson: Everyone is saying the same 2 things about this: 1) Why is she there? and 2) She looks great. 1) She was there as the date of Lucky Luciano, and the amount of giggling they were doing at each other during their pre-show interview made me feel fairly certain they banged in the limo on the way over. 2) No, she does not look great. That sheer overthing is very old lady, her hair cut is 1920s in a not-fabulous-at-all way, and she looks suspiciously tall.
Berenice Bejo: She has that effortlessly gorgeous European thing going on, so I love her, but she also has that super quirky European thing going on, so I hate that necklace. And that loose strand of hair, come on now. She looked way better at the Golden Globes.
Betty White: I had to throw Betty in here not to critique her ensemble—I could never do such a thing—but to point out that this is EXACTLY something my dear Grandma Edith would have worn. Not to a Hollywood award show, no, but to Atlantic City, certainly. With gold sneakers. (Am I wrong, Er?) In fact, she even looks a bit like Edith in this photo. In conclusion, she melts my heart.
Busy Phillips: Good God.
Diane Lane: At first glance I liked this a lot because it reminded me of a navy blue one-shoulder dress I own, but my boyfriend pointed out that this is actually quite ugly. He’s right, something about it just seems off. And everyone was all excited about her bouncy, thick, high ponytail, and you know what? It was probably not her hair, so I’m not too excited about it. And I am still convinced she’s had some intense work done on that face—she just has not AGED one percent!
Dianna Agron: This is a fairly boring, non-emo choice for the “little lamb” (her Twitter handle, in case you were wondering), and the Lunch Brain Trust came to the very important conclusion that her hair is too frizzy.
Ellie Kemper: I want to hate this, I really do, but I can’t. She’s too cute. And I absolutely adore the simple low ponytail and I just want to know WHY THAT NEVER LOOKS GOOD ON ME DAMMIT.
Emily Blunt: Love it! She is so good at pulling off weird colors that no one else really wears. Even though the shape of this isn’t perfect and her hair is a little meh, none of that matters because she has the best accent and they are just darling together.
Emma Stone: This photo doesn’t even do her justice, she looked absolutely and unbelievably flawless. When I first saw the dress I started to wish it was full length, then I realized that would look bad, so then I started to wish the shoes were not T-strap, then I realized it all worked so well altogether on her and I should just stop wishing things. Best dressed nominee!
Glenn Close: See what I mean about the sheer black stuff? Works on the old lady (sorry Glenn!) not on the 20-something little sister of a has-been pop star.
Gretchen Mol: I don’t know why but I really love this! It reminds me of something Melissa Leo would have worn last year and I mean that in the best possible way—it’s so sophisticated and different and I’m trying so hard to not let what I know about her character on Boardwalk Empire effect this decision so I am moving on.
Heather Morris: Bah! Ew!
Jane Krakowski: If the awful black velvet-looking shrug thing was not involved, and the top was just that structured lacy/beady sweetheart-neck thing, this would have been quite the dress. Alas, it is quite the mess.
Jane Lynch: I reiterate my point in my Golden Globes post that she always wears the same dress, and we can never expect anything else.
Jayma Mays: I agree with my sister that Evan Rachel Wood wore almost the exact same thing, if not the EXACT same thing, to the Emmys, but it looks far better on Miss Pillsbury. But if it is the exact same dress, that’s pretty tacky. And don’t you think she felt ridiculous wearing a flowing black sparkly evening gown at 3:00 in the afternoon in sunny warm Los Angeles?
Jenna Ushkowtiz: This is so not the dress for sexy side and back cutouts; the material screams “BEDSPREAD!”. But I like the hair and makeup and it looks like she’s been working out a bit, so hooray for Jenna.
Jessica Chastain: My mixed emotions about this one are just eating me up inside. The color is obviously great, and the silhouette is great, and she pulls it off well, except for the awkward boob cup things. Like, her boobs aren’t big enough to fill them and stand out a little, but if they were bigger the whole thing could look trashy, so I just don’t know what I want from this. Good hair though.
Judy Greer: As many movies as she’s in I never knew her actual name. Go figure. I like this dress for some reason; even though it’s not my style at all and almost too casual for the SAG Awards I like it on her and I looove it with the pop of red dangling from her ears. Which you cannot see in this photo, and the clutch is pink so that doesn’t match the red, so let’s just forget the whole thing.
Julianna Margulies: A vast improvement from her last, like, 6 award shows. I love her hair, I love her makeup, and this dress looks splendid on her. (She always goes for that super-structured tube-top though, no?)
Julie Bowen: You know I don’t mind this. I like it a lot better than her Golden Globes gown, even if it looks slightly cheap for Hollywood couture, but I do mind the length and the shoes. Too clunky.
Kaley Cuoco: See I thought this was light blue on the pre-show and now it’s mint green, so I just don’t know what’s going on. Either way the dress kind of sucks and the headband doesn’t match, NOR SHOULD IT BE ON HER HEAD AT ALL.
Kathy Bates: Goodness gracious are those flip flops?
Katrina Bowden: Great hair. Cute dress. Almost identical to Juliana Margulies’. Her story about her engagement on the pre-show made me very uncomfortable.
Kelly Osbourne: Aside from that asinine gray hair of hers, and aside from the weird tie/tassel things, I do like this. Ouch that hurt to type.
Kristen Wiig: A) I like her hair better blond, but brown doesn’t look bad, but I wish it were down or slightly looser; B) That dress would be perfect if not for that AWFUL choker thing, C) Oh my doesn’t she have the teeny-tinyest neck?
Kyra Sedgwick: 3 words: Va. Va. Voom. I guarantee 90% of all females watching thought “God I hope I look like that when I’m her age. Or, you know, now” when they first saw this. She is in unbelievable shape, and I love this color. Come to think of it she usually makes good red carpet choices and she has that perfect thick-waves hair I am constantly seeking. I wish she had slightly more of an ass, though, because then the back of the dress would have looked even better.
Lea Michele: Here we go with little miss in-love-with-herself. Seriously, she takes “mugging for the camera” to entirely new levels. Her hair looks like she was adequately banged moments before she arrived, which is not to say I don’t like it, and the color of the dress is a bit drab, but other than that the whole look is pretty nice.
Maya Rudolph: This is a prime example of a female comedian not dressing to impress because she thinks she doesn’t need to/isn’t supposed to (ahem, Amy Poehler). At least that’s my take on the matter, and she could have done a lot better.
Mayim Bialik: Blossom! No.
Melissa McCarthy: I think this is a vast improvement from the Golden Globes but she is developing a bad pattern of these frumpy dark long-sleeve dresses. Hair and makeup look grand.
Meryl Streep: I’ll take a page out of my sister’s book and say she “does not have to give a flying f*ck what I or anyone else thinks about her dress”. This would actually be a great outfit if it were a shirt/vest/belt with leggings or pants and boots.
Michelle Williams: Big disappointment. While she is an indisputably gorgeous young lady, that color does not work with her hair color and complexion, the length is awkward, and WHY do I see dyed-to-match shoes? I also sort of wanted to sneak up behind her and shove some earrings in her ears. What is so wrong with a pair of sparkly studs?
Missi Pyle: She is a much less attractive version of Reese Witherspoon. The hair is dreadful, but the dress is kind of fun.
Naya Rivera: Yes! She finally looks normal! Normal for a beauty pageant runner-up, but still!
Octavia Spencer: The only remotely negative thing I can think to say about this dress is that it is too similar to her Golden Globes pick, otherwise it’s great. It’s sort of a mother-of-the-bride style but that works on her shape, the color is great, I love the earrings although I would have gone one tier shorter, and even the hair is fun in a wacky sort of way.
Regina King: Bad haircut, fab dress! I am loving the purple the material the silhouette the everything. Is she muscular or what? Best dressed nominee!
Rose Byrne: I loved this when I only saw the top of it. I specifically said to my boyfriend, “Not something I’d wear but I really like it!”, then the camera moved down to the PANTS. RULE #2 OF AWARD SHOW FASHION: DO NOT WEAR JUMPSUITS. Also, that haircut is quite similar to mine. WHEN I WAS 9.
Shailene Woodley: No. Just no.
Sofia Vergara: See I thought this was red during the pre-show so I thought the purple jewelry looked terrible with it, but turns out it is like a magenta or something, and the jewelry still isn’t working for me. Also the awkward material darting out from her left breast was, well, awkward, and I thought her very large breasts might pop out at any moment, but other than that she obviously looks fantastic because when does she not?
Stacey Keibler: This is more an on-the-arm-of-a-nominee dress than her Golden Globes one, which I loved, ergo it’s kind of boring me. And it looks like she did her hair exactly the same way, which is also boring me. But George, oh George, HE is not boring me at all.
Tilda Swinton: She gives me nightmares.
Tina Fey: She knocks it out of the park once again! (Again, the photo doesn’t do it justice, it looked far better on stage at the ceremony.) Best dressed nominee, gosh I hope she keeps this up!
Viola Davis: Okay, I love this dress, but I do not necessarily love it on her. I think her boobs are too big for it—I was fearful of a nip slip throughout her entire acceptance speech—and I would rather see it on, like Sandra Bullock. Or myself.
Zoe Saldana: What. In God’s name. Is this. ?!!?!?!?!? Seriously, it looks like she’s wearing my old wife beater under a sparkly mesh table cloth which is stuck to some winter wonderland wrapping paper with silver sequins purchased at Michaels. I don’t even have to make this a worst dressed nominee as this monstrosity obviously wins that award. (This is what you choose to sleep with Bradley Cooper? THIS?)
So, my choice for best dressed goes to…EMMA STONE! AND TINA FEY! Weeeeeee!
Also, may I just point out that Armie Hammer (can he get any more awkward?)’s wife’s dress NEEDS to be mine?