What do I love about the Grammy awards, you ask? I love that the performances prove who can actually can sing/play without all the computers, and I love the increasingly awful fashion. Whereas I watch the Oscars expecting mostly couture perfection with a few mishaps I watch the Grammys expecting to rip people part, and that is exactly what I shall do.
Adam Levine’s date: Sweetheart, this is so beyond the realm of inappropriate you should have been told to go home and change the second you stuck your leg out the limo. I mean really, you can almost see the Brazilian.
Adele: I like her new hair and I’m happy she downplayed her usual too-intense eye makeup, but I think this dress isn’t up to par. I’m all about the sparkle but this silhouette makes her look a little frumpy. Alas, she is a goddess among mortals so I will now smack myself for saying anything remotely negative about her.
Alicia Keys: I could not hate those shoes more if I tried—look at that awkward front pointy thing! I can see her toes poking out the sides! Ugh. And the dress is too business-y.
Amber Rose: She is beautiful in an extremely strange way, like she was an anime drawing that came to life a few seconds ago. And I really, really like this dress. I will not comment on her other half there.
Bonnie Raitt: Minus the gross blond streaks she looks like a fun but no-nonsense country mom and she blew Ms. Keys out of the water in that Etta James tribute, so I am giving her the okay to wear pants to an award show.
Bruno Mars: I wish people would stop inviting him to these things and giving him a microphone and stop playing his stupid songs on the radio. I also wish they would STOP COMPARING HIM TO SINGERS LIKE Frankie Lymon. My father would be beside himself if he heard that.
Carrie Underwood: Long-sleeved sparkles seem to be the theme at Grammys 2012 and I have to say I don’t love this one either. She is a gorgeous girl but it’s not all that flattering in the front. The back would be cool if it didn’t have that thick strip. Her during-the-show dress was actually much better.
Corinne Bailey Rae: See this is what I think is perfectly appropriate for females at the Grammys: a fun and wacky cocktail-length-ish dress with fun and wacky hair and OH EM GEE I love those shoes! You don’t have to get so hacky that it’s downright ugly, know what I’m saying?
Cyndi Lauper: Possibly the only human on the planet who can acceptably rock the skunk hair. I kind of love this.
Fergie: This is not good. Not good at all.
Giuliana Rancic: Totally cute and I’d totally wear it.
Ice T & Coco: She is so ugly it makes me shiver. He should stick to SVU.
Jessie J: I am starting to really like her, and despite the fact that she is wearing my bangs circa 4th grade I quite enjoy the high pony and yes even the dress. So much so that she’s a best dressed nominee!
Joy Williams: I’m assuming most of you don’t even know who this is so allow me to enlighten you: Joy Williams is one half of The Civil Wars, a folksy rocky borderline-country duo my boyfriend introduced me to and I love them more and more every day, ESPECIALLY after seeing them perform live (Er, you would like them). The other half of the duo is a man who goes by the name of John Paul White and is frighteningly identical to Johnny Depp, but unlike his doppelganger he actually possesses an enormous amount of talent and can form words without sounding like a drunk moron. She never looks anything less than effortlessly gorgeous and elegant, as evidenced here, so I am giving her a very strong best dressed nomination.
Julianne Hough: She only goes to all of these things because of Ryan, right? I love this dress but I feel like I’ve seen it in a shorter version in malls across America, so I’m not impressed. But I sort of want the shorter version. She would have looked a lot better if she’d pulled her hair out of her face into a low pony or messy bun.
Kate Beckinsdale: You know what Kate? You make it impossible for the rest of us to even pretend we could ever look 1/16th that good, so be e a doll and just stay home next time.
Kathy Griffin: I feel like she got this on sale at Cache’ at the Short Hills Mall.
Katy Perry: I don’t get why everyone is raving about this one. The dress itself is gorgeous but the color is too Easter eggy, and it appears she is wearing the completely wrong bra. But, but but but, her makeup looks flawless. And her hair is blue. Not sure if anyone else noticed.
Kelly Osbourne: I actually really like this dress. I actually really hate that f*cking gray/purple hair.
Kelly Rowland: Kind of cute dress but more than kind of horrible hair, come on Kell.
Lady Antebellum chick: Sorry I don’t know her actual name but she looks lovely! I really like this dress by itself and on her, and sometimes it’s best to go with the straight glossy dark hair ya know?
Lily Aldridge: Who is she again? I would love to own this if it were a shirt.
LL Cool J: I feel like he has never worn anything but a velvet jacket and newsboy cap.
Malin Akerman: She has absolutely nothing to do with the music industry but that doesn’t mean she’s exempt from my criticism. Everything from the neck down is beyond awful—awful dress awful shoes awful color combination.
Miranda Lambert: Eh. It’s cute but a bit boring. And bridal.
Nicki Minaj: I am by no means a religious person but I was wildly offended that she brought a friggin’ BISHOP with her and did a whole performance based on an exorcism with dancing religious figures. All she is trying to do is top Lady GaGa, which she cannot do because she isn’t nearly as talented so she just comes off as a horrendous copycat. She and Bruno Mars represent everything that is wrong with the music world today.
Paris Hilton: Not quite sure what she’s doing here but I don’t completely hate the dress. I do completely hate the hair and belt, though; did she steal that from Giuliana?
Rebecca Black: She looks like she is going to a bat mitzvah, and perhaps she was after the show seeing as how she’s 15 AND POSSESSES NO MUSICAL TALENT WHATSOEVER JUST THE TALENT TO MAKE A SUCCESSFUL YOUTUBE VIDEO. (Kinda want that dress too.)
Rihanna: Ugh. Everyone was also raving over this one, and while I would love that dress on someone else I think she looks like a piece of trash because of 1) that nasty Sun-In looking hair 2) the necklaces that look like they were purchased at Claire’s (is that a tattoo I see poking out?) and 3) her weirdly shaped boobs because she’s gotten too skinny. #Eataburger
Robyn: Robyn, as in show me love show me life baby show me what it’s all about, ROBYN?! Bahaha, okay, well those are Timberlands with Spice Girl-esque platforms and I can’t stop laughing long enough to say anything about the dress except that it for sure earns her a worst dressed nomination.
Sasha: Do I even need to dignify this with a response? (That’s actually quite a gorgeous dress and color, though. But, um, who is Sasha?)
Snooki: Well, what did you expect?
Sophia Grace & Rosie: YES! No famous little kids make me laugh more than these two; not only are they funny but incredibly talented. I mean Sophia Grace, not little-miss-just-stands-there Rosie. I wonder if she’ll be as good or get even better as she gets older, or if this is her prime?
Sum 41: I know I ask this question a lot but WHAT in God’s name is SUM 41 doing there?! Have they even released a song or album since their fake punk garbage (which I fully listened to, obviously) in the early 00s?
Taraji P. Henson: Does she moonlight as Ashanti, or does Ashanti moonlight as her? I swear they are at least from the same bloodline if they are not in fact the same person. This is a heinous dress.
Taylor Swift: I would love this if it wasn’t for the high neck thing, and she freaks me out when her hair is up and/or straight.
Allrightyroo so the award for best dressed goes to: JOY WILLIAMS! (Fun fact: Her and Adele are buds. I would just die to hear them sing together.)
And worst dressed goes to: 40% of the attendees whom I didn’t even comment on in this post. Just go to tvguide.com to see the rest of the freak show.