I Heart Fashion (Oscars 2012)

Some of you may be sad to learn that this is my last award show fashion post for quite some time, while others may be thrilled to pieces because after all what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks do I know about haute couture?

So I have been obsessed with the Academy Awards long before I was old enough to see any of the nominated films or know who the presenters were. Why? Because of the pretty dresses, naturalmente. I remember when Titanic swept the show with 10+ awards, none of which had anything to do with the acting; I remember when Roberto Benigni leaped across the tops of people’s chairs to accept his award; I remember when Halle Berry became the first African American woman to win the award for best actress (were all of those highlights from the same show?). I like to believe that Oscar night is the night of all nights, the thing all actors work toward whether their goal is to be nominated, present, or be invited at all, even though I know the ceremony is not as special as it once was. Alas, as fabulous Oscar host Billy Crystal says, “Let’s go to the movies.”

 

Angelina Jolie: Not only does she look like she just couldn’t be bothered with choosing an actual nice gown for the Oscars because she was too busy wondering which continent she should adopt from next, and not only does she look way too pleased with herself for having that nasty bony leg sticking out of that ill-fitting sack, but “Angie” looks every bit the cheap whore that she is. Let’s start with that THING on her head, which she evidently had not washed in the last few days and had dyed and teased at some salon in South Jersey. (No, not the Jersey shore, SOUTH JERSEY. Way worse.) And let’s end with how much I still despise her.

 

 

 

Anna Faris: So she’s wearing Rose Byrne’s dress (scroll down) with sleeves, but I love it nonetheless. And I definitely love her hair like that, I actually think this is the best she’s ever looked (outside of The House Bunny, in which her abs were kickin’).

Berenice Bejo: This is something Helen Mirren should wear. In fact, I think this is something Helen Mirren HAS worn. Very disappointing for such a fabulous foreigner.

Cameron Diaz: Despite her nipples being completely visible through that thin material, and despite her old and very unflattering hairstyle, I like the dress. It’s a fun color for a tan blond California babe and I think the ruffly feathery things along the side and bottom are super fun. But, one wonders, how DID she score an invitation this year?

Ellie Kemper: Dee-vine. I love I love I love I love I EVEN love the bangs. Exquisite hair color and style, exquisite makeup, and exquisite sparkles in fall hues (my favorite hues). Love love love love love. Best dressed nominee.

Emma Stone: And they say redheads can’t wear red. She. Looks. Stunning. Our beloved E! Fashion Police, who wouldn’t know style if it bit them in the armpits, keep saying this is too close to something Nicole Kidman wore a few years ago. I’m sorry but I know my Oscar fashion, and if I don’t remember it it’s not too similar. Or memorable. BOOM!

Glenn Close: Can any other woman on the planet get away with wearing a deep hunter green tuxedo jacket over an equally deep hunter green gown? Maybe Diane Keaton, but she’d probably look much goofier and it would be black and white, not green. Glenny-Glenn looks stunning and classy, second only to Helen Mirren in the old lady fashion competition. Fab-U-lous.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Just because you are Gwyneth Paltrow does not mean you can wear a cape. Certainly not to the Oscars. She looks like some kind of grandmother alien, and that pony tail is way too sloppy. Bright bright white does look good on her, I’ll give her that much.

Jennifer Lopez: How come no one told her she walked out of the house wearing freezer wrap instead of her Oscar dress?

Jessica Chastain: Everyone hated on her blue dress, and I supported her. Everyone supports this black and gold thing, and now I’m the one hating. I just don’t like this style ever on anyone for any event, it’s a straight-up Renaissance-era curtain. I do however think her hair and makeup look absolute perfection, and if this was a solid black dress—or any other dark solid color—she would have looked heart-stoppingly gorgeous.

Kristen Wiig: Very very very cute STYLE dress, but we all know how I feel about that too-close-to-skin-tone color. Her hair looks bloody fantastic and her jewelry is to die for, so I’ll just leave it at that.

Leslie Mann: I ADORE this. It’s so slinky and goddessy and navy blue and sparkly, a.k.a. all of my favorite things wrapped up in one dress! I feel that someone much more fabulous than she should have worn it, especially because the high pony would have looked better on a brunette. Like really dark brunette. Like say maybe me.

Maya Rudolph: Okay, much better. Better hair and dress than the last two award shows, but still not perfect. I would probably like it more if it only had the sparkly belt and not the sparkly sleeves, like if it just cut off before they started.

Melissa Leo: I’m having a hard time understanding how any designer even created this, let alone how any stylist let a client wear it. Like, outside of a tap dance recital.

Melissa McCarthy: Yes this style is very similar to that black thing she wore and also that green (or was it blue?) thing she wore, but I enjoy this color. Her hair looks weird from the front but loverly from the back.

Meryl Streep: This dress could not have been worn by anyone BUT Meryl Streep. Simply wonderful.

Michelle Williams: I have a lot of “ifs” about this one: If she wasn’t wearing that dreadful necklace, if the dress didn’t have that idiotic little BOW and “peplum” as I’m told it’s called, and if it was in a different color—she refuses to listen to me that she cannot pull off these light bright reds—it would be swell. Also, I wish she would have aimed for a more Marilyn-like figure for the film and kept it throughout award show season.

Milla Jovovich: Diiiiiid we get this from  the 75% off rack at David’s Bridal? This actually looks better in the photo than it did on TV, which is not saying much.

Missi Pyle: Hold the phone, I think I love this? Like, a lot?

Natalie Portman: I am tempted to perform some Mission Impossible-style tactics in order to acquire that necklace, holy cow. The dress is okay for someone who won last year and is stunning no matter what, but I could take it or leave it.

Octavia Spencer: Fairly similar to her other choices this season but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. Sure she could have gone a few steps further for the Oscars but she wanted to play it safe and remain on the best dressed lists, so fine. #Teamsparkles

Penelope Cruz: Totally love this color but totally hate this off-the-shoulder top. So 80s. And the jewelry almost looks, dare I say, tacky. AND, if you are known for your voluptuous Spanish ways, including your voluptuous long dark hair, would YOU cut it that short?

Rooney Mara: Well doesn’t she look lovely in a color other than black? (Is white considered a color?) It’s a bit of an oddly structured dress but that’s Rooney for ya, and the fact that the dress is Givenchy only reinforces the whole Audrey thing she has going on. I still don’t understand why all these Hollywood gals desire to have thick straight bangs like mine circa 6th grade, but her simple bun looks lovely and the pop of red lipstick always looks fab with dark dark hair.

Rose Byrne: Oh my goodness gracious I friggin’ love it. She looks part Bond girl part beauty pageant contestant and part flapper and somehow it all works together, like, amazingly. (This actually IS my hair circa 6th grade and for some reason it looks so much better on her.) Best dressed nominee!

Sandra Bullock: I automatically love this because it’s Sandra, but I realize it’s not the greatest. It pains me to see her so sad and serious all the time when one of the things that makes her so beautiful is her smile. 😦

Shailene Woodley: Ugh, this poor girl.

Stacy Keibler: In the wise words of that dog in Disney’s version of Oliver Twist: Abso-tively posi-lutely. Excellent color, and the material just flows over her like some kind of champagne syrup. You can tell she is many a stylist’s dream. Best dressed nominee.

Tina Fey: Why are they saying this is black? Is this not a very dark purple/blue? Either way it’s not as great as her red dress or her black sparkly dress (I’m losing track of which dresses were at which shows!), but it’s still pretty good.

Viola Davis: Well, I’m not sure what happened here. She did so very awesomely at the Golden Globes and the SAGs, but for the mother of all award shows she decided to get rid of all that fantastic hair, dye it a not-found-in-nature color and sport an amazingly unflattering gown. I hate the color and material, it’s like a prom dress gone bad; and I hate the shape, it does weird squishy things to her boobs and makes her midsection look larger than it is.

And the Oscar for WORST dressed actress goes to…Jennifer Lopez! Seriously, freezer wrap. With some serious nip slip action.

And the Oscar for BEST dressed actress goes to…Meryl Streep AND Ellie Kemper! The more you resemble the award you covet, the more I like your outfit.

That’s all folks, please do not hesitate to comment and/or tweet your agreements and arguments 😉

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