Things That Do Not Look Good

I would like to start a movement in the fashion world. I would like to call this movement Just Because It’s Trendy Doesn’t Mean It Looks Good. My own style is somewhat boring; I dress nicely but not daringly and I stick to things I know look semi-decent on me: solid jewel tones, black dresses, dark skinny jeans, flowy tops, flats. I know I’m too short to pull off a maxi dress, I know my “girls” are too big to wear tube tops, I know Jennifer Aniston looks great in that peplum thing but I sure as heck would not. Ergo, I have a serious issue with girls who wear ridiculous clothing and accessories solely because they saw a Kardashian wearing it in the latest Us Weekly. 

Ankle boots with skirts or dresses: I am a huge fan of boots in all shapes, colors and sizes. I would very much like to own a pair of boots in every shape, color and size. Days when I can wear boots jeans and a slouchy sweater are happy ones indeed. BUT, while a mini-ish skirt with knee- or thigh-high boots is fierce and fabulous, a not-so-mini-ish skirt with ankle boots or booties or whatever you want to call them is extremely unflattering. Any shoe that distinctly stops at the ankle like that makes your legs look SHORTER and therefore WIDER, so wearing them with skirts—or worse yet, shorts—does not look good. I know it, I’ve tried it, I regret it. Same goes for shoes with ankle straps, which can create the illusion of “cankles” or accentuate the ones you already have. And don’t even get me started on wearing Uggs with anything other than sweatpants–to quote the lovely Charlotte York (who would never wear such things), I curse the day Uggs were born.

Parachute pants: How many females do you know who want their hips to look larger? Even the scrawny ones who claim “I wish I had your CURVES!” are silently thanking Buddha they don’t have “curves” thankyouverymuch, so why on earth would anyone wear pants that distinctly create larger anything? Not only do these pants accentuate the hips, they cinch the waist and taper at the ankles so that your hips look practically pointy and your butt looks flat and saggy. I have yet to see anyone, celebrities and models included, who looks good in these monstrosities.

Crop tops: I may create a few enemies with this one because crop tops are so super-duper popular right now and like everybody totally loves them, but I don’t care. First of all, how early 90s can we get? Why can’t we just leave some of the past in the past? Second of all, what ever happened to showing just enough skin to be sexy but still leave a few things to the imagination? I understand the myriad of insecurities among the female population because I have experienced most of them myself, so I cannot fathom any girl who doesn’t weigh 110 pounds or less feeling completely confident wearing a shirt that shows so much stomach. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and have a relatively flat stomach–despite constantly asking my loved ones if I look fat–and I’m way too self-conscious to ever wear a crop top. What, do you like not eat or drink when wearing them? What’s the fun in that? Third of all, they look darn sloppy.

High-waisted pants/shorts: I cannot be the only person who has ever heard the term ‘FUPA’, but in case I am, FUPA stands for Fat Upper P**** Area (y’all can guess what the stars represent there). Most of us gals spend a lot of time and money trying to eliminate the possibility of a FUPA with Spanx-like underthings (if you haven’t tried them, they are magical) so that all of our nice little dresses and skirts are smooth smooth smooth lines all around, but you can’t wear hide-the-fat underwear with high-waisted pants or shorts. These seriously accentuate the FUPA, or create one that wasn’t there to begin with. Not a good look at all.

Wide-leg jeans: I swear there are like 4 people this looks good on and they are all professionally paid to never have wide anything. I may be hating a little extra hard on this because I am so short and have such muscular/thick legs that I could never wear wide-leg jeans even if I did like them, but it really is a mystery to me how this even got started. I mean, they are essentially just baggy and ill-fitted. Wide-leg slacks/pants for work are a different story because they might actually look cute with the right tucked-in or flowy top and heels, but jeans? Denim? Ew.

Stockings/tights with open-toe shoes: Or ANY kind of foot covering with ANY kind of open-toe footwear. This isn’t exactly a trend but I have to mention it because I cannot believe women still make this mistake, honestly it should be one of the Ten Commandments. STOCKINGS/TIGHTS HAVE THAT LINE ACROSS THE TOES, SO EVEN IF THEY ARE NUDE WE CAN ALL SEE THAT AWKWARD LITTLE LINE POKING OUT AS WELL AS YOUR TOE NAIL POLISH! ESPECIALLY IF YOUR TIGHTS ARE NOT NUDE!

Leggings with not-long-enough-shirts: I could not be happier that the whole leggings-with-long-shirts/dresses-thick-belts-and-pointy-heels thing is a long-gone fad, but I still see girls wearing tighter-than-tight pants with shirts that do not even come close to covering the crotch region. Isn’t that the rule, if you’re going to wear leggings you have to ensure there will be no camel toe action? Because pants that tight and made out of that kind of material can “hug” you in the wrong places and a nice long shirt (but not those shirt-dress hybrid things and not with a thick belt and pointy heels) might cover it up? Yes? Yes.

I only say these things because I want us all to look and feel our absolute best and not buy every single item of clothing the magazines and MTV and Rihanna are telling us to. (I would like to point out that Mischa Barton came up on every Google search for all the above fashion crime examples. Oh Misch.) If you like brown suede wedge boots but they were really in season last fall and won’t be this fall, if you wonder why no one wears boat-neck shirts anymore because they look good on you, WHO CARES? Wear ’em anyway! Join the movement and repeat after me: Just because it’s trendy right now doesn’t mean it will look good on me. Just because it’s trendy right now doesn’t mean it will look good on me.

And just so you don’t all think I’m a complete stuck-up bitch with no style I want to share some fashion trends I really do enjoy, even if I can’t pull them off:

Wedges: Don’t own any but love to look at them with awe.

 

 

Maxi dresses: Again, I don’t have the right body to wear them but I envy all who do.

 

 

 

 

Very bright (but not neon) yellow or orange anything: With the right amount of tan, hell to the yes.

 

 

Red jeans: And all other brightly colored denim. #Funfunfun

 

 

 

Florals: Like I said, I stick to solids for the most part but that doesn’t mean I don’t love a loud but classy print every now and then.

 

 

 

Loose shirts tucked into pencil-y skirts: As long as there’s no FUPA action, this is my go-to for work AND going out.

 

 

Stripes: Everyone keeps saying “Stripes are back!” but did they ever really leave? Stripes are definitely great and contrary to popular belief do not make you look wider (if worn correctly).

 

 

 

 

Little black dresses: Thanks to my idol the late great Ms. Audrey Hepburn, LBDs will never look bad and never go out of style. Amen.

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2 thoughts on “Things That Do Not Look Good

  1. Kaaaaate. *heels *wear

    I’m also glad to see that there was no sly mention of me in the leggings/shirt/dress section.

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