So as I said in my post yesterday, I now care about football. I know what you’re thinking, I never thought I’d see the day either. I may have learned what a first down is only a year ago, I may not really understand what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks “off sides” means, but I think looking good is a really important part of throwing/kicking a pointy brown ball around, and some of these guys just don’t. Look good, that is.
Best Colors: Oakland Raiders
LBFUs are so the new LBDs. (Little Black Football Uniforms, Little Black Dresses…Come on.) If these were just plain old black and white they would suck, but they are black and SILVER. And silver makes all the difference. I mean, these go with everything!
Worst Colors: Seattle Seahawks
(Disclaimer: I recently decided I want to live in Seattle some day, so I have nothing against this beautiful rainy city.) I have strongly disliked this team since I started watching football last September. Don’t like the mascot — WTF is a seahawk? — don’t like the stadium — BUT LOVE THE CITY! — and I really don’t like these colors. Navy blue and neon green? Did a friggin’ toddler pick these out?
Most Tropical: Miami Dolphins
I genuinely wonder how these guys feel putting on their shiny turquoise and bright-ass orange every day. In fact I don’t know why they didn’t cover such a controversial topic on this season of HBO’s Hard Knocks, I just don’t.
Best “Vintage” Look: Green Bay Packers
I love love love love love these. The color of the pants is so devastatingly neutral, so flattering; I feel like almost any guy could put on this uniform and look like a handsome yet wholesome football player, not one who murders dogs or beats up his wife. And the circle around the numbers? Tres cool. (Although I’m not sure how navy blue fits in since the Packers’ colors are green and yellow…)
Most Feminine: New Orleans Saints
They wear gold pants. GOLD. PANTS.
Ugliest Pants: Dallas Cowboys
The Saints’ gold pants aren’t ugly, just girly. The Cowboys’ pants, on the other hand, are the most heinous shade of light blue you could possibly find. They’re like two sticks of Trident gum mushed together. I wouldn’t wear this color as a shirt, a bathing suit, shoot even a bra, let alone pants. AND I feel like the Cowboys never have their shirts completely tucked into their pants, so that’s just sloppy.
Most Racist: Washington Redskins
I was under the impression that all professional and collegiate athletic teams with Indian/Native American (what is the politically correct term these days?) logos had to, like, not have them anymore. Or update them to be more PC. Does the dark-skinned feather-wearing man on the Redskins’ helmets look PC to anyone? If the Braves can’t do The Chop anymore and the Fighting Illini can’t use that awesome chief thing, why can the ‘Skins use this? (Also, much like USC they have that whole McDonald’s red-and-yellow thing going on. Bleh.)
Ugliest Logo: New York Giants
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry you guys don’t yell at me, I swear I’m a Giants fan, but I canNOT get behind this logo. It’s so corny, so 80s, so…Underlined! And what is that font, Impact? But I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry the Giants are awesome woo Super Bowl XLVI champs Eli is the best yea Cruz woo GO GIANTS!
Coolest Helmet: Cincinnati Bengals
They have tiger stripes. Need I say more?
Best Overall: Carolina Panthers
Can you say FIERCE? I absolutely love black mixed with bright, borderline-neon colors — it just makes everything stand out — and this blue works perfectly. They look tough, like they know how to win a gosh darn football game. WOO!
Worst Overall: Cleveland Browns
The Browns are forever cursed as the worst team in the NFL with the worst uniforms, so they just have nothing going for them. I get it, they are THE Browns so their team colors have to INCLUDE brown, but orange and white were a terrible choices to go with it. They could have done something mostly white with subtle hints of orange and brown, but the stripes on the sleeves and pants are old and tacky, the helmets are a different orange than the pants…It’s just a lost cause.