(In order of appearance on the red carpet)
Kate: Finally she understands what an interviewER as opposed to an interviewEE is supposed to look like at one of these things!
Erica: Yeah, you’re right. I almost didn’t recognize her and she looks just glam enough without looking like she’s upstaging anyone. That said, have we seen this dress before?
Kate: Probably. I think her hair looks appropriately short and bouncy, the black is great, and the dress is elegant yet understated. It probably could have been even more understated, but I’ll take it.
Erica: See, I don’t have the same problems that you do with close-to-skintone dresses. I think this is pretty glam.
Kate: I just wanted a LOT better than that blue monstrosity, and this is not a lot better. It is a beautiful dress, but I don’t like the color on her. It looks like something Amy Adams would wear, or probably has worn, and I feel like her hair always looks like that. She hasn’t even been around that long and I already need to see something new from her.
Erica: I will say, I think we’ve seen this dress before, maybe in black? I’m having deja vu.
Kate: Speak of the devil and she doth appear! (Not that Amy is devilish at all, though.)
Erica: I do love it when they go full on glam.
Kate: I love this. I LOVE her hair like that. I’m feeling the top of this dress slightly more than the bottom, but I think it is a vast improvement from her last, like, 7 award show dresses. (Does it not look kind of like that pastel blue/green thing Kaley Cuoco wore that one time, though?)
Erica: Yeah, totes.
Kate: HOORAYYYYYY SHE STILL GOES TO THESE THINGS!
Erica: Great hair. Great make-up. Adorable person.
Kate: I think she looks adorable as always, and the color is fab, but that silhouette was probably not the best choice post-baby having.
Erica: I don’t think it’s the body, I think it’s the cut of the dress. It’s a little weird and bunchy.
Kate: Yeah, whatever, it’s Reese.
Kate: You’re right, Er, she’s too skinny. Just before watching this I saw her in a Fantastic Four movie from a few years ago and she looks much better with, like, 10-20 more pounds on her.
Erica: She really does. Excuse me, show biz execs, stop telling your actresses to lose weight. Lollipops are not that sexy.
Kate: But I like this dress.
Erica: I neither like nor dislike it.
Kate: BUT…Again, I feel like I’ve seen it before? Maybe not on her? Are we going crazy here with all these dresses that seem familiar?
Erica: I don’t know, not with this one in particular, but a lot of these dresses are tripping my deja vu. You know what we need? We need to go back to the days when Cher was likely to show up in some completely crazy get-up by Bob Mackie. That’s what we need.
Erica: I like it better than I liked her Globes dress.
Kate: This is upsetting me a great deal.
Erica: It looks like something Lisa Rinna would wear. Except there’s not enough cleavage.
Kate: (Veronica Mars pals!) First of all, she needs to always be wearing her hair down. Always. Half-up is the most up she should ever put it. Second of all, that mock-turtleneck thing? Come on! No one should wear that ever! If the top were halter-style it would be an entirely different story. I also don’t love the all-over bedazzling. I think I just don’t love McQueen, actually.
Erica: I usually love McQueen. Like, a lot. I do not love this. It looks like a very old Elie Saab or Badgley Mischka. (I also like them. But not this.) And totes agree on the hair. Hate the hair. Still love you, Amanda Seyfried!
Kate: You know what? This is actually the more covered-up/adult version of what Rihanna wore to the Grammys, and I like this a whole lot better. Good older lady hairstyle too.
Erica: Yeah, the dress is beautiful and interesting and age-appropriate and not too dowdy, although honestly, it probably doesn’t need the sleeves.
Kate: Best dressed! I love. Do you love?
Erica: It’s just, you know, what’s she going to wear to her wedding now?
Kate: It is a tad bridal I suppose, but it works on her. I think she has an extremely lovely face so I like her hair pulled back. Great makeup. And I am surprised at myself for liking that backwards necklace thing, but I do. I truly do.
Erica: I’m not so in love with the material but goodness knows she’s a tall drink of water and she can pull off some stunning shapes.
Kate: That bottom is really somethin’, huh? But I feel like you CAN and SHOULD do that at the Oscars, if nowhere else.
Erica: Go big or go home.
Kate: A BELT! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT BELTS?! DAMMIT ZOE!
Erica: This looks like three different dresses to me.
Kate: The thing is, this dress is actually phenomenal. I adore that color detail at the bottom and the floral top, but the belt RUINS it.
Erica: I do love the bottom. And I like the top. I just feel like the dress on top and the belted dress and the dress on the bottom are three different dresses. And two of them are lovely and one of them has a belt! Ladies, ladies, ladies. It is good to have something that defines your waistline. Absolutely. It is NOT GOOD to have something that looks like an actual belt on a formal gown! NOT GOOD!
Kate: I also wish my hair looked like that on a daily basis.
Erica: Yeah, she probably does, too.
Erica: I feel like I’ve seen this as a top before. Not as a dress.
Kate: All I am going to say, about the hair and the dress, is no. No no no no no no no.
Erica: I think I like it as a top. I think I’d wear it as a top. The jersey is a little informal for an Oscars dress and I can’t really see what she’s got on underneath but if it’s satin pants that’s horrible. And I’m not loving the hair but I get how it fits in with what she’s going for here.
Kate: Er, this is pretty bad.
Erica: I know, I know, it’s just…There is not a lot out there for a lady shaped like Melissa McCarthy.
Kate: A peplum. And a weird frosted pixie cut. And yet…It’s Charlize, so does it really matter?
Erica: Excuse me, Miss Calling-Me-Out-On-Things, but doesn’t this ALSO resemble Anne Hathaway’s dress from the Golden Globes? (Except Anne’s didn’t have a peplum and Charlize’s does?)
Kate: But Anne’s was sparkly and this is not. Actually, this is pretty plain and boring, so I’ve decided I don’t like it. But not so much that I am, like, angry at her about it.
Erica: Yeah, and it’s also bridal. What is up?
Kate: I hope to God I do not go to any weddings where the bride has a peplum!
Kate: One of the only times I have been disappointed by a Jennifer Hudson dress.
Erica: You know, I don’t think it’s a bad dress. I just don’t like it. If that makes any sense.
Kate: It’s just too mermaid-y, and not in a good way, and I really don’t like that super-long hair with thick bangs.
Erica: I am not a fan of the hair. And the shoes are not right although they are fabulous by themselves. Hey, are you watching her in Smash?
Kate: No, but the season 2 (is it 2?) trailers are tempting me.
Erica: Yes, it’s 2, and it’s shaping up to be much better than 1, I think. Time will tell.
Kate: I used to think she could mostly do no wrong, but now I think she a) has gotten too much work done on her otherwise beautiful face and b) is WAY too old to be wearing that kind of dress!
Erica: This is giving me some serious deja vu.
Kate: Can you see that crazy toning bronzer stuff on her crazy toned arms? Yuck.
Erica: Are we absolutely certain we’ve never seen Catherine Zeta-Jones in this exact dress?
Kate: She usually goes for open neck/thinish straps, but not in this gross color. She kicked booty in the Chicago performance, though, which equally confused and excited me.
Kate: She actually admitted on camera that she was wearing a dress from H&M. That said, it looks like her necklace is from Claire’s.
Erica: Yeah, the material totally looks H&M. Satin is not something you want to mess around with.
Kate: And it’s WRINKLED! Nice color, though.
Kate. *Takes a deep breath*
Kate: Here’s the thing. From the neck up, and I’m including the necklace, she looks undeniably gorgeous. Very Audrey. I love how her short hair is growing out/how she is styling it, and her makeup is flawless. But everything below the neck…
Erica: We should take a minute to give props to super, super cute short hair and great make-up.
Kate: I just did! The dress is just such a 90s cut, and the necklace looks terrible with the neckline, and there are pointy nipple things, and the back is really awkwardly cut, and it’s pale pink! She has the same coloring as me, and you say I should only wear jewel tones, not pastels, so Anne needs to follow that advice as well, in my humble opinion.
Erica: See, once again, I do not have the problem with the close-to-skintone dresses like you do. That said, this is not a good dress. It is very 90s and I don’t even know where one gets a necklace like that any more and with the nipples and the shape and the…yeah. She looked better at the after party.
Kate: She got the necklace at Tiffany’s. And yes that dress is way better, perhaps it is the Valentino she was originally supposed to wear? Her performance dress was also way better.
Erica: I mean, the shape isn’t great, and seriously, Anne, bra! But the fabric looks nicer and it’s more interesting and not dated. And I love the color. AND “Damn, I’m proud of myself!” looks good on her!
Kate: I don’t think I’ve been this happy about a win since…Ever.
Kate: Well, it’s a lovely sparkly number, but it would have worked so much better if the top had gone one way or the other. Strapless sweetheart neck? Grand. Cap-sleeve boatneck? Not as grand, but she is slender enough to pull it off. One side strapless sweetheart and the other cap-sleeve boatneck? Ew.
Erica: This is another one where I feel like the dress accomplished very well what it intended to accomplish. It looks like a very good example of the kind of dress it is. I just hate it.
Kate: The more I look at it the more I like it, so I want to stop looking at it.
Erica: I also don’t understand why you change from that one to this one:
Kate: Ew, that’s tacky.
Erica: They are thematically so similar, it’s like, why bother? Are nominees just not allowed to wear the same dress to the awards and to the party? Is this constructed somehow to be significantly more comfortable? I don’t get it.
Kate: Maybe it’s like a wedding ceremony vs. reception dress kind of thing?
Kate: On anyone else, no. On her, I guess.
Erica: It is also very bridal.
Kate: It’s a weird color and that top is way too much, but I really don’t completely hate it.
Erica: Honestly, it’s not my favorite I’ve seen on her. She can do better. But are we, as a country, having some sort of wedding moment? I feel like there’s been bridal all over the place this awards season. And every movie that’s coming out is post-apocalyptic. I think we are collectively going through something very deep.
Kate: She looks pretty unhappy about being there, no?
Erica: I’m enjoying this face. It’s the face that says, “Where am I again? The Goldberg Bar Mitzvah?”
Kate: I like red on her but this is slightly extravagant for someone who has never and will never be nominated, right? #Alwaysapresenterneveranominee
Erica: I dunno, the skirt is pretty extravagantly huge but otherwise it’s got clean lines and simple, modern appeal, so I think it’s pretty appropriate.
Kate: A goddess angel saint sent from above to gift us with beautiful music. Another best dressed.
Erica: She’s so pretty. Her hair and makeup are spectacular.
Kate: Black is always good on her, this is a great silhouette, and I am really happy that her hair is half-up instead of all up like usual. And then it was all down later in the night.
Erica: She’d probably think it was weird if I asked her to come sing me to sleep at night, right? That’d be weird?
Kate: I wish. This actually had a beautiful pattern under the sparkle which you can’t see in this photo. And she got all choked up accepting the award and said “…And my man I love you baby!”. Has a more perfect human ever existed? The answer you’re looking for is “No”.
Kate: I am officially going to sound crazy, but this TOO looks familiar! Like something she’s worn before, right?
Erica: I think it’s something Gwyneth Paltrow wore before but I’m not sure.
Kate: Either way it’s gorgeous and so is she, as always.
Erica: Deja vu all over the place.
Kate: What’s worse than a mock-turtleneck, you ask? A bejeweled turtleneck.
Erica: I don’t know, I’m not nearly as offended as you are by this. I don’t love it but I think it’s fine. I like how, no matter what Salma Hayek is wearing, she’s got to remind us that she’s got boobs. We know, Salma. We know. They are very nice.
Kate: This might be worst dressed for me. Gross hair too.
Erica: I will admit, I do not love the hair.
Kate: I stand corrected. Hei. Nous.
Erica: And somehow also familiar?
Kate: What is she even DOING here?!
Erica: I don’t nkow. I’m counting down the days until I can safely forget who she is.
Kate: And that does it for Award Show Season 2013, folks! …Now what am I going to do? 😦