Rules of the Subway

After working in New York City for 2+ years, and living in it for 1+ years, I have decided I am an expert on all matters of Manhattan. With this expertness comes great responsibility, including the need to bestow upon you, my good people, proposed rules for the New York City subway system, rules which I feel need to be implemented IMMEDIATELY.

RULE #1: NO STANDING IN THE DOORWAY WHEN THE DOORS OPEN

Nothing makes my day take a turn for the worse quicker than some dumb b!tch standing smack dab in the middle of the subway car door opening when it arrives in the station. We must move IN to the car people, MOVE IN!

RULE #2: HOLD ON

It blows my mind that people (who don’t even look like tourists) don’t hold on to one of the railings/poles and then they flounce all around when the car moves and shout “OH!” all surprised when they bump into someone. Like, OH, you didn’t realize that not holding on to something while standing in a moving vehicle would make you, um, MOVE? Seriously?

RULE #3: LEAVE THE STROLLER — AND MAYBE THE KID — AT HOME

If you have chosen to start a family while living in the great city of Manhattan, and I think it’s totally fine if you have, you must adjust your commuting schedule accordingly. Strollers take up A LOT of room in a little subway car. And how are you getting that contraption with A child inside safely down those stairs anyway?

RULE #4: SILENCE YOUR LITTLE ONES

Headphones only go so far.

RULE #5: SAVE YOUR MEANINGLESS CONVERSATION FOR THE BAR

See, it’s not just kids, I don’t want to hear the adults either. I always say the gym should be a peaceful, conversation-less place, and I feel the same about the subway — everyone on it is tired and in no mood to hear about how drunk you were two nights ago or how your fabulous new job is going. (This ties into my other problem with girls, not just on the subway, who END? EVERY? SENTENCE? WITH? A QUESTION? MARK?)

RULE #6: REMOVE THE SOLICITORS

This is going to make me sound like a terrible human being, but you know those automated announcements about how soliciting on the subway is illegal? Well, I wish that were more enforced, like, with a police officer on every train (I was downtown during Occupy Wall Street, I know this city has some to spare). I once saw a guy with his pregnant wife and baby begging on the 4/5, then they moved to the 6 at the same stop I did, and he SCREAMED at his baby for crying. I wanted to throw up, not just because I hate the sound of babies crying, but because I knew it was just part of his act to get money.

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