Ok, now that I’ve seen (and enjoyed) all three Hobbit movies, it’s time to re-watch the Lord of the Rings movies. If I don’t re-watch them soon, I am never going to remember anything about this franchise.
Much like the second Hobbit movie starting right where the first left off, The Battle of the Five Armies opens with Smaug (mean dragon) escaping the mountain and attacking Lake-town once again. He makes a fiery mess of the place but doesn’t last long because that guy who looks like Johnny Depp shoots him with a special arrow. (Bit of a letdown, actually — the whole first two movies were all about this super-evil powerful dragon, then he’s taken out with one lousy arrow? Womp womp.) The remaining people of Lake-town leave the destroyed land and head to the mountain to reclaim their part of the fortune that lies within the dwarf palace, but Thorin Oakenshield (now in charge of the dwarfs) has gone a bit mad and doesn’t want to share any of his shiny new treasure. Then the elves show up and they, too, want some of the gold, which makes Thorin even more mad (mad like crazy and mad like angry), and then Bilbo Baggins gives the Arkenstone to the Johnny Depp guy and the elf leader, and now Thorin is madder than ever. So now we have the dwarfs, the elves and the humans — three of the five armies in the title. The other two? Well…
The very evil orcs have been planning a sneak attack from under the mountain and from the north, guaranteeing that they would wear down whichever armies they faced first so that the second one could swoop in and destroy the rest. Somehow the fiercest of the dwarfs defeat the orcs who come in from the north (which I found a bit hard to believe — they’re so tiny!) while everyone else bands together and defeats the other orcs. Thorin finally stops being so crazy and kills the orc leader (who I didn’t think was all that important), but dies in the process himself, and that’s very sad. The people of Lake-town and the dwarfs can now live happily ever after in/near the mountain, and the elves can go home, and Bilbo Baggins can go back to the Shire and grow old in his little house until Gandalf shows back up and asks about that pesky old ring.
I know I make fun, but this is definitely the best of the three Hobbit movies as it has the most action. I saw it in IMAX 3D, which was a bit disorienting at times, but it’s really a very impressive film. Fellowship of the Ring, here I come!