I Actually Know Who These People Are (Grammys 2016)

Kate: Honestly, this is my least favorite award show to cover because it makes me feel SO old and uncool when I don’t know who the F anyone is.

Erica: And if YOU feel old and uncool, try to imagine how I, who have never been cool about music, even when I was a teenager, feel.

Kate: Whatevs, we can judge everyone’s fashion choices even if we don’t know them. I do it on the street all the time. And at least Adele is back this year!

Erica: Yes, why should we let ignorance stop us?!


Grammys Adele

Kate: Ok so I was hoping for something a little different/more daring since she lost all the weight, but this is pretty much what she’s always done with slightly less dramatic hair and makeup.

Erica: She lost weight? That dress does not really show it. And I don’t love the hair.

Kate: It’s ok, it’s ok, she’s too much of an angel sent to us from heaven for me to care too much about what she’s wearing. Ugh, I love her so much.

Erica: You know, I haven’t listened to her new album. I don’t know what “Hello” sounds like. That’s how out of it I am.

Kate: Please tell me you’ve watched that amazing video of her singing in the car with James Corden?

Erica: You know, I knew that it existed, I just hadn’t watched it.

Kate: Ok, stop looking at Grammys dresses and go watch that RIGHT NOW. Then come back.

Erica: So understand that this is not just my first viewing of that video but my first hearing of “Hello.” So…Does Adele just have a direct line to my tear ducts? WTF? Also, how is she so cool? How does she have that voice and those songs and a seemingly awesome, totally chill personality and she’s pretty, too (or at least very good at eye makeup)? What am I even doing with my life? I’m feeling a little inadequate right now. (Also, you know, I could make fun of the Spice Girls thing. I sure as hell would have counted it as a mark against her when I was a teenager. But then I had a little girl and started doing Just Dance and, you know what, I quite happily dance to the Spice Girls on that, so who am I to talk?)

Kate: How? Because she’s an angel, like I said. I actually like her performance look a lot better:

Erica: To me, the performance dress is sort of more of the same. But you’re right. Who cares? She sings like Adele. And writes songs like Adele. And applies makeup like Adele. And seems like a totally cool person like Adele.

Anna Kendrick

Grammys Anna

Kate: Less than thrilled by this — isn’t she usually a little more daring and sexy?

Erica: I don’t usually love her red carpet looks, I don’t think. This is, you know, a little underwhelming. A little dated? I don’t know, I think she can do better.

Ariana Grande

Grammys Ariana

Kate: Overall adorable, but when is she not?

Erica: I thought she had dropped the high ponytail as part of her look, but here it is. It’s good; I like it. You should keep what works.

Kate: I think she changed it from half-up high pony to full-up high pony.

Bella Hadid

Grammys Bella

Kate: Housewives alert! Housewives alert!

Erica: Poor Bella. Imagine looking like her and still not being the “pretty” sister.

Kate: This is a little like Morticia Addams threw sparkles all over herself, especially with the slicked back hair behind the ears, but it kind of works on her. She is really quite gorgeous.

Erica: I like it. It’s very Grammys. I mean, normally, I don’t like all black and slicked back hair, but it’s very appropriate for the occasion. I’d ask what she’s doing there, but where else should models congregate than at the same places as rock stars?

Kate: She’s there because she’s dating The Weeknd!

Erica: Naturally.

Carrie Underwood

Grammys Carrie

Kate: Oooooohhh I love it.

Erica: Very glam.

Kate: I think it perfectly compliments her body and you know I love me a nice, elegant black gown. I maybe would have gone with a different necklace or no necklace, a slightly lower slit and lighter makeup, but overall fab. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: I like the necklace. I don’t like the hair. It’s the same as Adele’s hair, but with a side part.


Grammys Ciara

Kate: This is where I draw the line with the slit. Come on.

Erica: Okay, no, I don’t like the dress. It doesn’t make any sense as a garment at all and it’s not attractive or pretty or interesting in anyway.

Kate: It’s like someone suddenly stopped sewing a potentially great dress, and then Ciara threw on a sheer black scarf to cover her left boob, and tied it all together. Terrible.

Erica: BUT. Look at that body on her. That is crazy town. That is the genetic lottery plus an absolute commitment to excellence. I must applaud it. If I were her, I would just put on a tiny little slip and a big diamond necklace and call it a day.

Kate: Yes. And her hair and makeup are, of course, on fleek.

Demi Lovato

Grammys Demi

Kate: I. Am. So. Over. Tuxes. On. Women. SO OVER IT!

Erica: I will never be over the tux on women, if it’s done right. This is not done right. It’s not done right because the jacket is not evocative enough, and it’s not done right because tuxes don’t have skirts.

Kate: The skirt makes it a thousand times worse. Are there no other ways to be “alternative” and “buck trends” on the red carpet, Demi? ARE THERE NO OTHER WAYS? Worst Dressed nominee!

Erica: Oh, I wouldn’t go that far. (Although I haven’t looked at everything yet.) I am enjoying her necklace and understated makeup.

Ellie Goulding

Grammys Ellie

Kate: Oh my god, I love it so much.

Erica: From the front, I like it fine. It’s very nice on her. From the back, it’s even better.

Kate: What a lovely shade of pink, perfect material and silhouette on her, elegant in the front and sassy in the back. Perfect hair and makeup. Best Dressed nominee! (Only thing I’d change is the necklace.) And I can’t get enough of that song — WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOOOORRRR?

Erica: I’m very annoyed that the Fifty Shades movie got good things, like this song, or really very nice OPI nail colors.

Florence Welch

Grammys Florence

Kate: Even with the sequined dragonfly and star and moon patches, this is actually fairly normal for her, no?

Erica: For her, yeah. Does she have young daughters? Because this definitely looks like something a 4-year-old, particularly girly, little girl might design. Which is not exactly a criticism.

Kate: What about a 7-year-old little girl, like Zoe? I feel like she’d like this, except for the pink.

Erica: Honestly? This is a little immature for Zoe.

Kate: The pink looks better on Ellie Goulding than on Florence, but I don’t think she gives one F about it.

Erica: I think that’s an accurate assessment.

Kacey Musgraves

Grammys Kacey

Kate: So she’s the one who had that INSANE hair at the CMA Awards that one time. This is much tamer.

Erica: I don’t love it. But I like how it’s just the right amount of nuts.

Kate: I actually really like it — it’s got elements of elegance (I like the sound of that, “elements of elegance”) mixed with funk, which is exactly what one should wear to the Grammys. The lipstick may be a little too matchy-matchy with the dress, and I maybe wish the whole dress were all purple instead of purple, blue, and green, but I lurve the eye makeup AND even the high pony.

Erica: I like that she lets the dress be nuts and then she has simple hair and relatively simple (but matchy) makeup. She’s got a point of view when it comes to clothes (or her stylist does) and I appreciate that.

Kaley Cuoco

Grammys Kaley

Kate: She continues to confuse me, but for some reason I like this sparkly jumpsuit, even with the cutout. It sort of looks like she repurposed something Kate Hudson has worn.

Erica: It is, you’re right, very Kate Hudson. But I still don’t like it.

Kate: I don’t like the tousled hair with it; it would look better with a slicked-back bun. I also think the length of the pants is extremely tacky, and the overall thing is probably too casual for the Grammys, but her level casualness or fanciness honestly doesn’t matter. Meow!

Erica: I hate the hair a lot. You can’t just ignore your dye jobs and then call it ombre! (I say this with extraordinary umbridge for someone whose grays are reaching past her ears right now.)

Lady Gaga

Grammys Gaga

Kate: Remember when I was bored by her black dress at the Golden Globes and wanted her to start doing this again? Be careful what you wish for.

Erica: I mean, it’s not a dress made of meat or anything.

Kate: I think this is related to her David Bowie homage, and it is true Gaga, but that doesn’t mean it looks GOOD.

Erica: Oh, wait, if it’s about David Bowie, I forgive all. Sniff.

Meghan Trainor

Grammys Meghan

Kate: She has red hair? Wasn’t it blonde?

Erica: It was, but I like it red.

Kate: Ok, yes, she confirmed during her pre-show interview with Ryan Seacrest that she used to be blonde. I’m actually really into her lately.

Erica: Yeah? I feel so torn. On the one hand, her songs are so catchy and fun. On the other hand, they have really not so great messaging. I do find it hilarious — her “All About That Bass” is on the latest iteration of Just Dance, but the lyrics have been all messed around. Instead of “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night,” it’s something like, “Boys like you for the beauty they find inside.” I’m like, come on now. That’s not what the song is.

Kate: Anyway, this is kind of what I wanted Adele to wear, but it looks really nice on Meghan here. It’s not the most daring thing to wear to your first (or second?) Grammys, but how daring are you going to get when your dad is your date?

Erica: Aw, that’s cute that her dad is her date. She does dress like alternative-universe-Adele a lot, though.

Selena Gomez

Grammys Selena

Kate: Still over the sequins AND the cutouts, but I get that they’re both appropriate for the Grammys.

Erica: Yeah, to me, this is a very basic Grammys dress. Not bad, not remarkable.

Kate: I just feel like she’s done this before and I want to see her do other things. She also looks extremely displeased to be there, which honestly always everything worse.

Erica: Maybe that’s just her face.

Kate: Hang on, she changed into something different to present — I like this MUCH better! Why didn’t she just wear this the whole time?

Grammys Selena 2

Erica: That is prettier. Not particularly more interesting, but prettier.

Taylor Swift

Grammys Taylor

Kate: Oh god.

Erica: So, we have recently become Swiftys in this house, which has been weird for me. But this? I am not in love.

Kate: Can we start with the INSANE amount of bronzer or spray tan or other fake tan or all of the above on her arms/shoulders/chest? Does that not rub off on people when she hugs them? Ew!

Erica: Heehee. Now that’s going to be part of my imagination all day — that her “squad” is covered in rubbed-off tanner and can’t say anything because Taylor will throw a hissy fit but behind her back they’re all, “Weren’t you supposed to help her with this? Is she about to hug Paul McCartney? Should we stop her?”

Kate: And I get that she has a sick body that can pull off something like that, but that doesn’t mean she should. It’s a pair of shiny hot pink bloomers with a huge shiny hot pink skirt around it and a red bandeau top! Why not just do the red bandeau top as a whole slinky column dress? She looks great in red.

Erica: Those are not bloomers. But I agree, this is not a great look.

Kate: Fine, it’s a bathing suit bottom. I don’t even hate the choker, and I usually do, or the fresh-cut bob with bangs, save for the grey blonde color. (I hate that trend.) The one positive thing I have to say: Excellent face makeup. But really can’t get over that bronzer.  

Erica: I mean, look, she’s been perfect on the red carpet for ten years. She was bound to have a misstep.

Kate: Ian thinks she looks “ridiculous”, and he means that in a good way. So there you have it.

Tori Kelly

Grammys Tori

Kate: Hey I actually know who this person is, and I like one of her songs! Wait, two!

Erica: I don’t at all know who this person is.

Kate: Well, watch those videos. I think this is nice if not a little boring? It’s more of a Golden Globes dress than a Grammys dress — maybe one borrowed from Kate Winslet? — but she’s a pop singer and doesn’t get invited to the Golden Globes. The color is great on her, and her hair looks very luscious and sassy.

Erica: I like the hairstyle but I don’t love the blonde color on her. The dress is fine but unremarkable.


Grammys Zendaya

Kate: Is that hair a joke or a prank? Something in retaliation of Giuliana Rancic’s comments about her hair last year, which was the catalyst that unraveled Fashion Police for the umpteenth time?

Erica: Well, she’s usually wearing something weird.

Kate: Whatever it is, I hate it. And the tux.

Erica: Actually, I think this is a better tux than Demi Lovato’s. Too bad the hair is so dreadful.

Kate: So before we get to Best and Worst dressed, I have to say that a lot of these outfits look a LOT better on TV and in motion than in still photos. It must be really hard for these ladies to figure out how to look best in both, but I can’t feel too sorry for them.

Erica: Yeah, I’ll cry on the inside. So Best Dressed? I’m leaning Ellie Goulding.

Kate: Yes! And I’m listening to her RIGHT NOW!

Erica: Worst Dressed, I hate to do it, but looking over our choices, I’m going to have to say Ciara. Because that is, actually, the worst dress. Even if her body is slammin’.

Kate: Totally ok with that. Now we have less than two weeks to prepare for the Mother of All Award Shows! Until then, loyal readers!


2 thoughts on “I Actually Know Who These People Are (Grammys 2016)

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