Kate: I have yet to feel the urge to see any of the nominated films, La La Land included. Should we be concerned?
Erica: Oh, I’m dying to see La La Land. I 100% won’t be seeing Manchester by the Sea. I really want to see Hidden Figures. I think I want to see Moonlight, but I don’t actually know anything about it other than that guy I like is in it. Am I missing any important ones?
Kate: None of them are important to me. But I still care about the fashion! Deeply!
Erica: And that’s what we’re here for.
Kate: Very nice, but COME ON with that necklace. COME ON!
Erica: I stared hard at that necklace, trying to figure out how I felt about it. I came down on the side of no. But I feel like there was missed potential. Or possibly not and it would have looked like a tumor no matter what we did.
Kate: Ignoring that, her hair stinks, but a slinky cleavage-y black dress is never a bad thing.
Erica: She’s cute. It’s hard to get away from her being cute.
Erica: Oh, come on. On a scale of Anna Chlumsky, this is an A+. This might even be an A++.
Kate: I just feel like Tina Fey has kind of already worn this, and what is going on at the bottom there?
Erica: Even on another human, though, this would be no worse than a B. It fits, it’s event appropriate, it’s a nice, human-looking dress. I’m giving her all the points.
Kate: This feels a little Kim K early 2000s to me, and I really don’t like the hair. It’s somehow too casual.
Erica: What about the stupid lipstick? I worry for this child, I genuinely do.
Kate: Hate the lipstick.
Kate: Holy wow really skinniest person ever. Starting to get concerned about that waist.
Erica: She likes a weird neck, doesn’t she?
Kate: Yea, and this asymmetrical neckline also makes her BODY look asymmetrical, which is also jarring, but bodily concerns aside this is absolutely stunning. Perfectly tailored and love the hair and makeup.
Erica: Yeah, I thought at first she was tilting. But it does look good.
Bryce Dallas Howard
Kate: She is not vapid, Giuliana is.
Erica: Yes. I know.
Kate: I think the dress is lovely if a little boring/safe, and I love the redhead-wearing-red thing, but it would be a zillion times better with that lovely red hair swishing down around her face and without that necklace that looks like something Mom would buy us and we would exchange the next day.
Erica: You know where to exchange them? I never do. Then Zoe confiscates them. Anyway, I thought Bryce Dallas Howard looked fine but unremarkable.
Kate: This could be really killer but the tailoring looks so completely off.
Erica: Minor tweaks. Minor. A little hemming, a better bra.
Kate: The jeweled hair piece doesn’t work either — it’s just all put together very haphazardly.
Erica: Yeah, it would look so cool if it were on straight.
Kate: Ok so this color is absolutely gorgeous against her skin and hair, and I really love her hair and makeup. But the ACTUAL dress feels VERY dated and it really ages her.
Erica: Oh, I thought she looked very nice. That shade of blue is so lovely on so many women. The dress is a bit dated, though.
Kate: And we’ve got to get her a better strapless bra because whatever she’s wearing looks like it’s pulling the boobs DOWN.
Erica: Boobs are such a difficult engineering problem.
Kate: Apparently she recently gave birth, so now I feel bad saying that.
Kate: I really hate this neckline and sleeve style on almost anyone anytime anywhere. But the dress itself is really lovely.
Erica: Yeah, I saw her and I thought, “Oh, she looks lovely!” And then I looked at the dress and wondered why I wasn’t having a problem with it.
Kate: The earrings, her hair and her makeup with the dress are overall very elegant, clean and beautiful.
Erica: Maybe that’s why. Proper accessorizing is key, ladies! Not as key as proper boob management, but key!
Erica: I disliked it. I thought it was trying to be something that it did not achieve.
Kate: I don’t even have a strong enough bad reaction to this to say much, it’s just plain boring. I get what she was trying to do but bleh. Her Globes dress was wayyyyy better.
Erica: Oh, well, her Globes dress was dreamy.
Evan Rachel Wood
Kate: She already DID the suit thing, though!
Erica: She said to Giuliana Rancic that she’s doing it all season. It’s, like, a statement or something. (I was mostly fast-forwarding through the interviews, but Jason really likes her on Westworld so he wanted me to stop. He wouldn’t believe that there was just going to be inane nattering about clothing until he heard it for himself.)
Kate: It’s a different color than the one at the Globes but still too similar; I wanted to see something else from her tonight.
Erica: It wasn’t as perfect as her last one. I don’t like the cropped pants or the velvet.
Kate: I honestly really liked this when I first saw it and remembered how much I liked her Globes gown and was happy to see her go down this better fashion path, and then I saw the pants tucked into the very matching boots.
Erica: I thought she looked great, but also, it’s a sequined jumpsuit.
Kate: It’s just TOO Pirates of the Caribbean for me.
Erica: I heard a bit of her interview, too. I think she said it’s a Vivienne Westwood, and she likes Vivienne Westwood because Vivienne Westwood is a bit of a political radical. I like Vivienne Westwood, too — she’s responsible for my favorite Sex and the City outfit ever — but this is a sequined jumpsuit. Tucked into matching boots.
Kate: I think her thing is wearing black and white only, and usually somewhat outrageous black and white. This is actually subdued for her, and lovely.
Erica: I liked the Globes one way better. Like, I loved the Globes one. I thought it was quirk done perfectly. This is not.
Kate: I think the ruffle bracelets and pigtail buns kind of cheapen it, but I suppose she had to add the kookiness somewhere.
Erica: I hate the silhouette a lot. I actually thought the pigtail buns were cute given her whole vibe, but that the poofiness was too weird.
Kate: Yyaassss a little pattern action from my girl JLD!
Erica: I knew you would love this. It did look really excellent.
Kate: I absolutely adore the retro hair, too. Flawless as per usual. Ladies, take notes.
Kate: This kind of reminds me of Katie Maloney’s wedding dress, but I don’t hate it as much. I don’t hate it at all, but I also don’t enjoy it.
Erica: Have we seen Katie Maloney’s wedding dress? I don’t remember. Never mind that she shouldn’t be getting married at all. Anyway. This is very different for Julie Bowen but not good. Just different.
Kate: Yes, there are pictures on the interwebs.
Kate: This is one of those rare moments where I don’t like what Kate Hudson is wearing; I’m usually all over her.
Erica: I don’t like it. But it’s also not my thing. So is it succeeding at being the kind of thing it wants to be? I think it is succeeding moderately.
Kate: First of all, I feel like she has done this same sequin bandeau top dress before in beige, so I’m mad at the lack of creativity. I’m also mad at the overall ugliness of the gown, particularly of that gross flower element. Hate to do it, but Worst Dressed nominee!
Kate: Well, I dislike it LESS than I usually dislike her red carpet looks, but I still dislike it. It lacks originality, it’s too much material, and it’s too similar to something Beyoncé wore once.
Erica: Yes. On a scale of Kerry Washington, this is at least a B.
Kate: I do like the retro hair and sleeves, though. Very 70s disco.
Kate: Oh I would love this so much without that damn dark purple/red/black Gothic lip. The dress looks darling on her!
Erica: So I had a negative reaction to the lipstick at first, too, but I think she’s going for this 1920s silent film star thing and once I thought about it in that context, it worked.
Kate: Then regular old red would have been just fine. I really love the dress, and only someone with that little a frame could pull it off. Effing lipstick.
Erica: But you know her. She can’t just look pretty. She has to have a little something extra. A little character. The lipstick — as much as I do not like it — is part of the character.
Kate: Sneaky @s$ Meryl, taking us all by surprise and actually DOING the red carpet this time. In a very non-Meryl gown. Or muumuu, actually.
Erica: I know, right?! Nicest muumuu she’s ever worn. Whatever, she’s still Meryl, and so whether or not I like this is still irrelevant. You know, I had TiVo’d the movie Doubt ages ago, in which she plays a nun convinced that the priest at her school/church is doing unspeakable things with one of the students. I finally watched it this week. I forget sometimes that she is a masterful actress. She’s such an institution that I forget that she actually deserves all the accolades she gets.
Kate: I know everyone is going to fall all over themselves about this because it’s Michelle Williams and she is FASHION and she is COUTURE, but I am anti.
Erica: I can’t figure out how I feel about this. Partially because I couldn’t tell if it was skirt or pants. But her makeup looked nice, I thought.
Kate: On the preshow she looked very uncomfortable walking down the carpet, so I think those sequin plates were pretty uncomfortable.
Kate: Oh my god what do we even do with her? Most precious elegant flawless classy chic perfect pregnant person ever. In love with this look.
Erica: She does look glowing. And like she continues to be inspired by the woman she depicted.
Kate: Yes! It honestly looks really comfortable, but what do I know about being comfortable while pregnant or on the red carpet?
Erica: Yeah, I think comfort is a thing of the past for her at the moment no matter what she’s wearing. This is amazing because she looks gorgeous on any scale, no matter how unforgiving, AND she does it while about to give birth.
Kate: Oh dear.
Erica: This made me angry. Like, I was ranting all night.
Kate: She wasn’t satisfied with the absurdity of her Globes dress, she had to do this to us?
Erica: THERE ARE M-F-ING PARROTS ON HER SHOULDERS. MADE OF SEQUINS! Is she 97 years old and living in Boca Raton and going to take her walker aboard the offshore casino? Tell you about that time she threw her panties at Tony Bennett? No? Oh, then there shouldn’t be SEQUINED PARROTS on her shoulders!
Kate: I don’t even feel the need to comment on the dress, it speaks for itself. Worst Dressed nominee, and it would take a lot for someone else to take it from her.
Erica: I have already settled on her.
Kate: Uh oh.
Kate: I…actually…like…the…peplum. What?!
Erica: Oh. Well, take two aspirin and lie down for a bit. I’m sure you’ll feel like yourself again soon. I still dislike the mesh neck thing, so I’m feeling fine about myself.
Kate: She’s not Best Dressed by far, but she looks very nice.
Kate: Remember that scene in 27 Dresses where Katherine Heigl tries on all the ugly bridesmaid dresses she had to wear?
Erica: I was thinking she was some sort of first draft for Disney’s first Hispanic princess. Or a dress for Julie, the 1974 American Girl doll.
Kate: No further comment.
Kate: A strapless tea-length with dainty shoes for Sofia? I’m shocked. (Yes, it’s tea-length, not t-length, which I learned while watching E! Fashion Police after the Globes this year, and Melissa Rivers actually made a great point: These occasions call for black tie or evening wear; tea-length is for TEA. IN THE DAYTIME.)
Erica: Oh, really? When I was co-directing the Vagina Monologues, in which my sister-in-law performed, she and her queer friends kept telling me I had to come with them to this lesbian bar in Andersonville. I thought they were calling it Tease, which is a great name for a lesbian bar. Turns out it was T’s, and it was just a regular bar with pool tables and burgers, that happened to be in a lesbian neighborhood. I was a little disappointed.
Kate: That was quite the little tangent. I don’t love the different-colored top and skirt and the different sequin styles on each, but I am overall pleased with the general change. She looks like she is not, though.
Erica: Really? I sort of hate it. Except for the shoes.
Kate: Since day one of One Tree Hill I have thought this woman was one of the most gorgeous people I had ever seen, and always so underrated. This hot pink monstrosity — around her eyes and on her body — does not help that.
Erica: No, it does not. She is really gorgeous; she just doesn’t look it in this.
Kate: I also hate the hair — is it wet? Is it gelled? Is it curly? Is it straight? Hate it all.
Erica: I hate the eye shadow most of all. NOT AS MUCH AS I HATE THE SEQUINED PARROTS THOUGH.
Kate: Absolute fire.
Erica: In an almost literal way, with that color and that hair.
Kate: She is my new favorite young person to watch on the red carpet. I love this on her. Best Dressed nominee!
Erica: She really does look amazing. She is like eleven feet tall.
Taraji P. Henson
Kate: This would be just the right amount of not-what-she-usually-wears without the stupid black bows.
Erica: She’s really very lovely as a human. I do not like this dress.
Kate: Also, way too much boob. The designer should have added a few more sequins around the middle!
Erica: The boobs, the neckline, the mesh, the black bows…It’s all just too weird a shape.
Kate: Ok so this would not be a dress I usually like for any occasion, but I really like that it’s such a great nod to her role on Westworld. Like, I’m wondering if the show’s costume designers had a hand in this (pun intended)?
Erica: I love the whimsy. I think she’s just so beautiful.
Kate: I do not, however, love the hair, but it’s barely even noticeable.
Erica: Well, the weird shoulder thing is distracting.
Kate: This is really lovely but I just wish it were a softer ivory or cream color, that bright white is so hard for anyone to pull off.
Erica: I think she does pull it off. I like bright white on dark-skinned ladies.
Kate: I do, for once, like a necklace with a strapless dress! And it’s this one!
Kate: Again, the woman looks like she was just let out of an asylum. WTF is going on here?
Erica: Jason kept asking me if she was on drugs. I just kept pointing out that we have to watch Stranger Things; it sounds like it is 100% made of things Jason likes.
Kate: Drugs seem likely given her facial expressions throughout her castmate’s speech.
Erica: So, Nicole Kidman is the Worst Dressed human ever. This dress will go down in history as a Top Ten Worst Red Carpet Looks Ever in the history of the universe. I will brook no argument.
Kate: Ok. I hope the Fashion Gods (Brad Goreski, mostly) agree.
Erica: I’m thinking Natalie Portman for Best?
Kate: Tie between her and JLD and Sophie Turner? No, we must pick one.
Erica: I feel like Natalie Portman edges them out by being both more interesting and also about to give birth.
Kate: Fair. Until the Grammys, then!